Monday, 13 April 2009
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Love Knows No Boundaries
My shy voice cracked as I asked this question, "K, what's the significance of 411 and you? I mean you aren't those that crank calls the info line, yeah?"
He laughs, "Well 411 is in the info line yes it is, but April 11th is my birthday."
I laugh too, our relationship has now hit a more personal, "Baby, its 411 to me and for me. I'll be everything to you and all the info you'll ever need" he said. And I felt secure, it was that one single phrase that made sense, that hadn't needed to be explained to me.
Down the line I went taking in breathes of the facades we put upon each other. The overloading task of what was, a Long Distance Relationship.
I want to say it ended when I caught him in action under the bed sheets with my best friend,
It didn't.
Through the breakup process as I gathered the leftover dignity of trust. I soon came to realize it wasn't out breakup that was falling apart.
It was my business.
I had been running an import and distribution business on auto parts for a little over a year then, when I had barely turned 17. It was a joint venture I had with a few relative and older adults whom had deemed me worthy of such a feat.
Stupid of me to co-sign with him. SO with the failure of our relationship, he then ran my business, into the ground. He took my suppliers and customers, all I had left was a crashed Impreeza. Then the harsh cold explanation I received from my so-called-best-friend didn't help matters.
"You didn't care about him, you kept mulling over your god-damn-rape to care about what he needed!" she shouted. The words floated into the air. Yes I was raped, that day took my innocence and virginity....I was forever pained, and I've let that destroyed what I had. True.
At a chance to start over I moved to Los Angeles and tried to restart my life. With a hint of revenge that assumed itself, as I lived the lonely days barricaded with thoughts of mistrust, disloyalty, and contempt. I planned my revenge quietly.
That following year in April the 11th. I had finished a closing shift at Starbucks. I found him aside my car, it looked as if he waited for a while.
"Looks as if you didn't receive the dozens of roses I sent, well Happy Birthday." I said bitterly as i searched for my keys. I didn't care if I had to run him over to leave.
"I did....they were dead...I got the point....I had it coming didn't I?" he asked, head to the ground.
I said nothing. Confrontations are hard, even now.
"I realized I've done so much wrong to you, I want to make it up." he said.
With fury I replied. "Your Career, or me?" I've seen the likes of these attempts in his prior email, when she left him for her ex-boyfriend.
"Linda" He cried and reached for me.
"411 died a long time ago. We are too tragic to be with each other. The cards have been dealt. We're done." I said and moved away, he was the only one that I never gave a second chance to.
He winced. I can't imagine til this day what was going on through his mind. Did he think that I destroyed his business to get him back? It was far from that.
Even then, I've let 411, become a grueling even that latered ensued many more break ups in the same manner with so many similar sayings.
"I can understand now why he cheated on you..."
"FUCK this day, why do you let it rule you!"
I always knew that I was over K. It took a while and a few more diasterous relationships, but that much is true. I am completely over him.
I guess the part I'm leaving out now is. I've done the worst thing you can do in business. That is to be immature. I let these personal feelings get in my way. And needless to say I'm ashamed. I've learned now, more than ever before..I've gathered my feelings on this situation and dealt with them. Except the day.
In my prior pulses, I told you all I went to a wedding last saturday April 11th.
At home I held the wedding favors in my hand as I talked with XC over the phone. The realization hit, and I felt a pain in my heart.
With a leap of faith...I talked about this openly for the first time, and explained why this day hurts so much still.
They key words I picked out from XC's mouth was, "You let this day bother you because it still serves a significance that you refuse to let go of, until the day you say..." he continued on, but his words hurt like flying daggers being thrown at my back causing so much pain it was hard for me to keep up. He meant no harm, but being me....I got defensive.
In a succeeded effort to end the subject, I sat in silence. Left speechless, and in frustration XC, ended our telephone conversation. Within the hour, I've finally realized my stupidity.
For years I've obsessed over this day, hiding behind the thoughts of "its okay, i'm over him" when I've never dealt with the underlining issue. Regret.
I found my nerved that had been lost for so long, hiding underneath my needs for answers and regret.
To finally I just want to say. 411 is the info line....happy Birthday K, Happy 10 year anniversary to Newlyweds Ou and Cindy, and 4:11 AM/PM means its about 19 mins til 4:30 am/pm and that....also...it wasn't personal, it was business on that day and you should never steal from me.
And I feel better.
I have let my obsession of tragic thoughts and hopeless regret be enough of this. I never thought I could say this about myself but, I'm letting the best years of my life being wasted over something, that sounded so simple coming out of someone else's mouth. And it is simple.
I called XC back and shed the tears that needed to be shed. The contempt I felt for the wrong I had done and allowed myself to carry, was finally being let go, as they formed puddles around my pillow, I knew this was really just a day and I'm glad living it.
The song following this post is in Korean.
But its lyrics challenged me, it allowed me to believe that we all have our own wounds.
But now, I think this song makes me entirely stronger,
because it allowed me to find my own savior from my wounds.Love knows no boundaries.
It never knows of the Hurt, Regret, nor Tragedy that would become of a failed love.
It only tells us that it will go as far as the Universe and come back, leaving us with hope and faith...in time...
~due diligence.
XC...
I love you.
------------------------Tell me you have felt this?
Friday, 10 April 2009
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When Everything Fails
I've been stung by words more often than I can remember.
Its a Daily thing.
Only because I allow myself to be under the limelight.
I think the butt of jokes are always about me, because I grew up teased, bruised, pushed, and battered.
I mean, I'm here today. You would think I'd be strong enough. But really I do what it takes to get through the day.
That's the key to it, really.
But there are days. When life Fails on you. As if your hair wasn't damaged by the rain itself.
As if you hadn't had one too many cigarettes today.
Shoot. Maybe that last drink wasn't a great idea.
There are times LIFE Fails on you.
You can't protect the every whim of all you do.
You can't pick the people that pass on by glancing at you.
Unless you are the Unabomber.
Then you can just spend the rest of your life blowing people up.
But not me. I protect myself to an extent. I can't control everything around me.
Especially the people that come to my Xanga.
And today, I'm here to talk about Protect and how I Failed.
Last week, I had a friend from Los Angeles, contact me via Messaging on Myspace.
He notified me that my Pictures (4) were displayed in an AD in Casual Encounters.
These 4 pictures are ONLY found on my Xanga Account.
Therefore my friend was concerned.
I contacted Craigslist and confirmed my identity, and had the ad removed in 3 hours.
Here's an example of what can happen in 3 hours on Craigslist-Land:
In 3 hours, a women had her home listed in a garage sale and her entire contents of the house had been stripped, even down to the pipelines, while she was away on vacation.
That ad was also listed by someone who was playing a prank.
Can you just imagine how many men contacted my ad?
The ad was taken off, and the email blocked. I'm beaten with betrayal.
Because there is nothing else anyone could do. They will not pursue leads with just an IP address. Because you can re-route IP addresses.
To top it off, this person can be posting from anywhere. There are no valid leads even if I outlined and proved everything in pen and ink. No one will be able to pursue this case.
It's heartbreaking.
This person can just create a new email.
I'm left thinking...
It is up to me to protect myself, and all that I do.
It is NOT Craigslist fault. It is NOT Xanga's fault.
Just purely mine. For making myself completely public to the world.
I face the consequences of those actions.
After the unfolding of this. I was left with several decisions.
Delete my account. Delete all my pictures. Take myself completely offline.
These are the ONLY real ways to protect yourself.
But I refuse this. I refuse to change my life and my ways because someone out there has a corrupt mind.
But I will be more careful now. with what I post, and how I post it.
I'm not naive. I didn't think for once second that this could never happen.
Now that it did. I'm face with realization that this could happen again.
But I'm not going to put my life on hold to benefit your games.
So who ever you are.
I hope you go screw yourself.
Because Karma is an Itch.Protect Yourself.
Like how you would protect Your Own Kids...
No Censor nor Privacy Laws have the capabilities to cover every ASPECT of
what YOU do Online.
Really. It's YOUR Job.
Thursday, 09 April 2009
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Losing My Strain of Rice....=/
Its that's split-second moment that happens where you feel your entire world crumbles like a cookie.
To a point where you are left standing in the midst
And a truck driving off and is blowing its blast of smog-induced wind in your face.
If you live in the country, replace smog with pollen-induce wind
by a passing tractor trying making it's fast attempt to cross the road.
For which ever analogy you like to choose for this story.
The Cookie still Crumbles the same way.
Yes, that's right even if its just Soft-Baked.
I feel like much of my life gone through a salad tosser
and I'm on the other side of the table just waiting
to be eaten by a Man,
grumpy as hell on this Cholesterol Meds
That man I'm referring to is my Dad BTW. No Pun intended to actual men on cholesterol meds.
Anyhow....It has always been with Ups N Down of Life
I run crawling to my Xanga Corner to find funnies with no bunnies.
Loveless with hope. Drama Masters Galore. Peter Preztels (don't ask).
I hate bunnies really...
I had this 5th grade teacher that had a Classroom full of Animals
Boy I hated her....Wait...I'm totally going off subject.
ok.ok. So lately...
I think I'm loosing my strain of Xanga Addiction.
I find myself commenting less more, and trolling a whole lot more.
Who knew signs of Xanga Whorness would come to a slow down like this.
So heres the Deal.
Its not like I don't appreciate your posts.
I can't fathom the correct words nor feeling to actually write be able to type something other than "LoL".
For example, someone wrote a touching poem yesterday.
My Comment: lol, this is sweet I LIKE.
Then I realized after I submitted it, it was a touching poem because it was a sad poem....
*Labels Loser Linda on her Forehead*
So Seriously guys...Its not that I don't like you...r that I have given up...or anything...
sometimes..I think its better for the both of us if I didn't comment..
save my humility you know?
My Xanga Addiction isn't dead yet.
It will rebound and I will comeback to leave the silliest, funny, touching comments like I used to...
you know the ones where you'll sit there and go "This Girl is F-ing Crazieee".
For now I have to treat Xanga like an RSS Feeder...taking in all your writings...one post ...at a time.
So...
Don't let the Back wash of dirty Wind get the best of you...
Love always...
and seriously
Happy Blogging folks...
I'll keep coming by.
So who's a Blue Dreamer now eh?
P.S. btw, my Salad comes with garlic crouton's alright?Are You Still a Xanga Addict?
(it doesn't take much really)
It't not lethal either.......I think..
Wednesday, 08 April 2009
Xceptionally Awesome Ninja GangstA
A nice warm Spring breeze passes through the trees causing the baby birds to fly in a flock.As they move their way from their homes and back into the skies, it sends the leaves and buds of flowers into the air.
Almost feels like spring just standing here.
With the Katana sword in my hands, I never noticed that this feeling was just a dream.
"Uhhh, Bluedreamer85?" he asks.
And as suddenly as this perfect feeling came, it quickly diminished leaving me standing with a Katana sword in my hand, in my mother's kitchen.
"Yeah...sorry about this, this is the best space I have...is in here..sorry Mister Show." I say nervously.
'I'm about to get my ass kicked, in a ninja manner.' I think silently to myself while preparing my Battle Glare-down with my opponent.
'He seems too calm, almost like his blog...' these silent thoughts are going to kill me.
"You can do it Blue!" a voice shouts. Its Elelkewljay, shes far off in my living-room taking pictures of this event.
"Wait...Elel? what about me?" TheBigShowatUD asks.
"What the fuck is all this mother-fucking bullshit about!?" Dear lord...its Smoothness Vanedave entering the room, followed by his posse of beautiful ladies consisting of laryssa, mrsprosa, canadianbroad, krissy_cole and... kontzicles.
"Whoa, how did all of you fit into my living room?" I ask....sword shaking in my hands now.
"It's Xanga, Blue...we'll fit anywhere....now can we begin?..." TheBigShowatUD says positioning himself in Ninja Style. I wish I could tell him that we don't actually do that, at the start of every battle.
The lights dim, the crowd goes silent, and there's nothing but sounds of water boiling, 'damn, picked the wrong time to make pasta', I think silently ignoring my embarrassment.
"And... this is the part where I say 'I can TAKE you.'" He says, moving swiftly to corner me.
"Yo, BigShow take me to Cheesecake Factory, yeah?" I say, praying to add fuel to the fire.
Now with fury with grace and swiftness he charges at me. I took a few steps back bumped into a cabinet holding my Mother's favorite china. They rattle inside, 'crap, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.'
I return fire, throwing in a couple of swings. It wasn't as graceful as his...but whats the difference? I suck at this...and I will not let him continue to dominate.
"Now now, not the TIE Blue, NOT the Tie." he says with an evil grin.
We match off with a few more aggressive swings, followed by a high-kick in the air. I underestimated because I'm 5 ft tall, and Bigshow is not a smal guy at all. He lifts his arm up to push me down in mid-air. Laying on the ground the sword is at my neck.
"Oh yeah Big BOY, I knew your bitch-ass can do it!" VaneDave shouts.
Lights flash as Elelkewljay goes crazy with the camera, "Sorry babes, I love you, but this is a perfect shot."
"No...no....this was not how I envisioned this." I look up and see the tie dangling down from his neck, and realized I picked a fight with a Top Blogger. And with that, I gave him a determinating blow at his feet. It's one thing to be taller, but short people have their own advantages. BigShow falls forward, and rams his tall body into my Mother's China cabinet once more.
Matrix style:
lights flashing,
Vandave in the background shouting..."Hooooooeeeelly-Fuckkkkkiiiinnnn Shhhhiiittt"
lets not forget everyone including me is with Jaws wide open,
as a a dish falls onto the floor, shattering into pieces.
"WHAT THE HELL YOU DOO???" I hear my Mother's angry voice say.
"Uhhh Blue, lets call this a draw.." Bigshow says, he and everyone else now has disappeared back to the Internets, and I'm left staring at my computer, the BFNChatroom1's window is flashing.
"ALL hail to Bigshow. The winner."
Bluedreamer85:---Wait. I thought it was a Draw?' I type.
TheBigShowatUD: Its Blogging Linda, Anything can happen.As my computer goes into a Vista Lag and Memory Dump, I look onto the kitchen floor where shards of broken glass lay on the floor. I see it. lying by its lonesome-self.
Bluedreamer85: Yo, BigShow. I stand as a winner in this Tie-Battle of glory!TheBigShowatUD: Oh noes Linda, You went after the tie. Thats just wrong. You KNOW it's the ONLY ONE I HAVE!
Vanedave: Oh, don't be a mother-fucking-bitch now MattLock.Disclaimer: No Ties were harmed in the making of an Xceptionally Awesome Ninja GangstA
